Welcome

image
Sunrise at Gulf of Mexico
Gulf Shores, Alabama

This is a place for my poetry and prose and any random musings that I have. Some of what you find here is very dark and morbid and some is almost sickeningly happy.

I’ve tried to put some kind of warning any time something is graphic or deals with self-injury or rape because I don’t want anyone getting caught unawares and being triggered by something they find here.

I am in a better place than I was when many of these poems were written. It’s been quite the journey and there is still a long road ahead.

Enjoy your visit and let me know what you think!

Heather

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Long overdue update

I’ve been quiet I know. A lot has been happening in my world. Things with the one I called superman imploded. His idea of going slow was only talking to me if he wanted to try for phone sex, rant about something (and never ask how I was or say anything else besides the rant) or ask if I knew anything about the backpay yet. The fact he was inquiring about the backpay and not whether my SSD went through bugged me. Plus his female best friend spent the night with him at least once a week and shared the bed with him. He said nothing happened, but if you don’t have time for your girlfriend, yet your friend can come sleep with you usually 2-3 times a week…something is just off.

I’m still waiting to hear about SSD. On July 7, my lawyer told me it was with letterwriting and I should have the decision in a month or less. One can only hope.

I’ve been talking to a man in Texas. A lot actually. His name is James. We’ve decided to give things a go and meet. There is a strong bond there. He taught me that being broken can be beautiful. He’s teaching me about myself. I’m teaching him about himself.

We started talking because I read something that he wrote that was so filled with pain and confusion that I had to reach out. To let him know he wasn’t alone. I reached out to him, but I didn’t know I was gaining someone who can read and understand me. Who wants to see me fully accept myself as he does. Who just fits.

Beautifully Broken

I am beautifully broken.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I’m beautiful. But I do think I’m beautifully broken. I hated being called broken. It was an insult. It meant I needed “fixing”. Or worse, I was beyond fixing.

Actually it wasn’t till talking to James that I realized being broken isn’t automatically a bad thing. Before that I got all upset when my friend I call my butterfly called herself broken and I insisted she wasn’t.

Granted, I loved the brokenness in other people. The flaws. The wounds. The scars. The jagged edges. The missing pieces. The fractures. Each of these giving their inner light places to shine out of, to reflect and refract, to diffuse and sparkle, to illuminate so beautifully.

But I never really thought about it that way. It was just how I am. I am drawn to the walking wounded. The ones who are bleeding, gasping, hurting, crying. The ones who are healing, scarred, cracked, pitted. The ones who are lost, feel alone, are hiding, are afraid.

I am drawn to the ones like me. The beautifully broken. I never saw myself as that. Couldn’t apply the word beautiful to myself whatsoever. But now I know. I am broken and beautifully so. As are so many others.

Emotionally, physically, mentally we’ve gone through Hell. We have the wounds and scars to show for it. But we survive. We go on. We shine our lights through all our brokenness. Trying to help others see the way. Trying to ease pain and fear. Trying to let others know they are not alone. That they are beautifully broken too.

Broken is no longer an insult. It is a compliment of the highest order. Without my breaks, my light would be useless. It would be self-contained and would do no good in this world. Because of my breaks, I am a lantern. My light shines through and I have purpose. I am…beautifully broken. And proud to be.

I Am A Phoenix

I am a Phoenix
My transformation in progress
My old ways
Of seeing myself
And the world
Burning away to ashes
That drift to the earth
My old self
Is being consumed
To give birth
To the new, stronger, healthier me
I am a Phoenix
My transformation in progress
And a thing of beauty
Will rise from these ashes

6/7/14

Cancer Sucks!

Don’t feel
Like you have to apologize
When you need to talk
About the scary turn
Life has taken

Don’t feel
Like you shouldn’t bring it up
Because it’ll drag things down
And you don’t think
I should have to hear about it

Don’t feel
Like you have to face it alone
That no one understands
Or wants to be there
When you are scared and overwhelmed

Feel free
To come to me
To vent
To cry
To rage
To question
To hope
To fear
To spout off
Whatever comes
Into your mind and heart

I care
I love you
I want to know
Your hopes and fears
And how you are doing
And what’s going on
And what the doctors say
And how you feel each day

If you want to hide
Or play
Or cry
Or laugh and be silly
To forget for a while
Come to me
I’m your friend
I love you
I’m here
In the darkness
And the light

To Be Loved

Great piece. I couldn’t decide whether to have this as a comment or in the body of my reblog of it, so I am doing both.

I love this and there are so many that need to know they are loved and important in this world: homeless, mentally ill, those with chronic pain or illness, those who have been abused, raped, bullied, human trafficking survivors, single parents, etc. the list could go on and on. And there’s no better feeling than reaching out and letting someone know they aren’t alone. It’s so easy to get caught up in our own problems. I do it too. Out of food, out of money, creditors hounding me…but I have a roof over my head. I’ve broken the cycle of abuse; I can use my experiences to help others. Awesome piece!

Six Habits That May Lead You Into An Abusive Relationship

So true. It doesn’t mean you are asking to be abused if you have these traits, but it can make it easy for you to end up in dysfunctional relationships that can become abusive.

Superman Explanation

So I’m not giving Superman’s name because with all that’s going on I’d rather stay on the safe side. That said, here’s the story behind calling him Superman and the Waiting for Superman video. But first, a background on how this happened.

We first started talking on a dating site. I was drawn to his profile, but I rarely ever send a message to initiate contact. However, I did favorite him. I figured that way I’d not lose his profile and he would get notified that he had been added to my favorites. So if he chose to look at my profile and contact me, he could. Well he did. Thankfully. 🙂

We chatted a little on the site, and I certainly wanted to get to know him better. I also don’t have good reception on my phone (my sole source of Internet right now), so we swapped to texting. He told me about his situation and I told him of mine. We commiserated about insomnia and missing having someone there beside us. We shared stories about ways we coped with the empty space in the bed…whether by filling it with pillows and such or going to a couch or something where the space didn’t exist.

I got really wrapped up into this event for single moms my church held the day before Mother’s Day. I got pulled into it at the last minute and was working to organize all the registration information, schedules and making name badges and place cards for the tables and so forth. I way overdid it and exhausted myself, but that’s another story.

Anyway, with all that going on I was quiet for a few days. But I would think of him and I knew Mother’s Day weekend was going to be hard on him. I tried to call him Mother’s Day but he was on the phone with his sister at the time. I told him I’d call him later that evening, but didn’t manage to because I passed out hard less than an hour after getting home.

We texted a bit more, I asked if he wanted to talk later one night and once again I passed out early (It actually was a week before I managed to stay up long enough to have dinner. I was that exhausted.). Then I felt guilty and embarrassed for twice not managing to call and I went quiet. Six days after I failed to call him the 2nd time, he texted me. Since then we’ve texted and/or usually spoken every day.

Once we spoke on the phone things started really clicking into place. Then he surprised me and showed up in Gulf Shores. He lives in Pensacola about an hour away. Meeting in person was…wow. We clicked and sparked. Definite chemistry. On emotional, mental and physical levels. We saw each other again 2 days later. The connection grew stronger.

The beginning of this week he started getting hit with a lot of crap dealing with his ex and the kids and stuff. His best friend started texting me and telling me I needed to back off. Considering I was already giving him space and giving him a chance to get his head straight, I got a little frustrated but just told her I’m doing whatever I can to not screw this up and putting as little pressure on him as possible. The next day her texts got a bit nastier. I just told her I trusted him to tell me if he needed things to change between us. She told me I would be waiting a while and that I needed to take the hint. I have to add here, any other relationship I’ve been in in the past, I would have started spiraling out of control with doubts and fears and getting clingy. I did none of these. I felt a calmness and I do indeed trust him. And he’s way too much of an alpha male to have someone else give a message like that. Anyway, he called me not long after and we talked. We agreed to slow things down and build a strong friendship and foundation. We want to build something that lasts. He said with things that he’s starting to feel, and that are getting stirred up inside him, he wants to do this the right way. I fully agree. I did tell him she was saying stuff like he wanted to end things permanently. I haven’t heard anything else from her, so I guess he told her to back off or similar.

When he was a kid his nickname was Superman. He had told me this and I filed it away. One day we were discussing music and songs that we identified strongly with or that described us. One of the songs I mentioned for me was Waiting for Superman by Daughtry. I honestly wasn’t even thinking about his nickname. When we met for the first time, he pointed out his nickname and my song choice.

There’s so much more I want to say about things he’s done for me, but this is getting long enough as is. He really is my Superman though. We will get through all these obstacles we are facing and then really begin building in earnest. And it will be strong.

Quote About Love

The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

-The Great Kamryn

Just want to add that chronic pain needs to be added to that list. Its impact can be insidious and I really had no idea how destructive it could be until I was living it.

I don’t know that Superman could be under much more pressure than he is now. Yes I’ve seen his despair and heard his rage and agony. I’ve seen at least some of his darkness, but it doesn’t make me want to run, just makes me want to soothe him. I want to do all I can to help him get the boys back, even though I know it’s not my battle. I just want them safe and surrounded by love. The love of a parent who really loves them and isn’t just wanting to use them as pawns.

Halestorm–Beautiful With You

20140531-164328.jpg

Being brave and posting a no makeup pic. I only see the flaws, Superman sees more. I’m trying to learn to see myself through his eyes.

This is straight from the Halestorm site, caps and all.

Beautiful With You

I STARE, AT THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR
T- SHIRT, TORN-UP JEANS, NO BEAUTY QUEEN
BUT THE WAY THAT YOU SEE ME
YOU GET UNDERNEATH ME
AND ALL MY DEFENSES
JUST FALL AWAY, FALL AWAY
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU
Even in the darkest part of me
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU
You make it feel the way it’s s’posed to be
YOU’RE HERE WITH ME
YOU SHOW ME THIS AND I BELIEVE
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU
I STAND NAKED BEFORE YOU NOW
NO WALLS TO HIDE BEHIND, SO HERE AM I
YOU SEE ALL OF MY SCARS
STILL HERE YOU ARE
I BARE MY SOUL
AND I’M NOT AFRAID, NOT AFRAID
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU
Even in the darkest part of me
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU
You make it feel the way it’s s’posed to be
YOU’RE HERE WITH ME
YOU SHOW ME THIS AND I BELIEVE
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU
I’VE BEEN THE STRONG ONE FOR SO LONG
BUT I WAS WRONG
DOESN’T MAKE YOU WEAK IF YOU’RE NEEDING SOMEONE
I’M NOT HOLDING BACK (YEAH) I KNOW WHAT I WANT
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU, I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU
YOU WANT ME FOR MYSELF
YOU GET ME LIKE NO ONE ELSE
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU…
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU
Even in the darkest part of me
I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU
You make it feel the way it’s s’posed to be
YOU’RE HERE WITH ME
YOU SHOW ME THIS AND I BELIEVE
THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL WITH YOU

Love Will Win

You will NOT win
You’re trying to destroy him
Piece by piece
Taking away the boys
His heart and soul
Making up lies to
Cover up your own abusive behavior
Accusing him of cheating
When you’re the adulteress
Here’s the thing
Truth has a way
Of coming out
You will get tangled
In your own web of deceit
You will get caught
You will reap every
Rotten, bitter, lying, poisonous seed
You have sown
How could any mother
Tell her kids
Ages 3 and 4
That Daddy is dead
That he shot himself
How could any mother
Traumatize her children like that
You are no mother
He will get the boys back
They will be safe in his arms again
They will know
That their Daddy loves them
More than anything else
In this world
And would do
Anything and everything
Within his power for them
You will not win
Truth will prevail
LOVE will win

5/31/14

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